i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
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Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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