Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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