come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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