If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
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youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
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Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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