In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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