so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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