you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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