What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize