Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize