New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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