My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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