My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
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your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize