You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
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I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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