Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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