my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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