How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
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I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
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Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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