If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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