I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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