Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(352): View more from Florida

She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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(352): She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all. http://tfl.nu/8svu

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(949): View more from California

i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.

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(949): i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole. http://tfl.nu/wmi4

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(209): View more from California

I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.

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(209): I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two. http://tfl.nu/goqt

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(706): View more from Georgia

lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.

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(706): lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand. http://tfl.nu/av0q

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(865): Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that. http://tfl.nu/7i54

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(203): First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning http://tfl.nu/rq6u

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(216): View more from Ohio

It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote

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(216): It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote http://tfl.nu/ew61

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(812): gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar (219): I need you to use more vowels. http://tfl.nu/cjfw

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

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(501): I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d" http://tfl.nu/qasx

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(724): I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported. http://tfl.nu/ojxl

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(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

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(914): Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging. http://tfl.nu/hkzz

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots

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(919): I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots http://tfl.nu/ri9x

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(708): View more from Illinois

They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.

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(708): They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me. http://tfl.nu/8o6m

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(206): View more from Washington

when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

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(206): when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other. http://tfl.nu/no1k

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