Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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