I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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