Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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