I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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