i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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