this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
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i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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