im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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