Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
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My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
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Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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