I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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