I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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