I'm passing your future prison.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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