My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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