I showed him my bush... on skype.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
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alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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