I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
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No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
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She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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