no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
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I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
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I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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