we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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