What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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