There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
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At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
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You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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