I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
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sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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