oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
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And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
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tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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