um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
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Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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