I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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