today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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