I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
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Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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