I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
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He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
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apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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