Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize