um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
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The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
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I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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