just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
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his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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