at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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