just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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