The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize